Friday, December 31, 2010

Before Shots....Biting the bullet!


                         Me~  August 2010  Starting Photos
                                  Waist 43"    Abdomen 47"     (yikes!!!)

                                        Me ~Dec 31, 2010  
                                             Down 14.5#  
                                     Waist 39"  abdomen 44"    
                                           Down 7 inches total

Well, I am biting the bullet & posting my before shots. The first was taken in August 2010 before I started dieting. Absolutely MORTIFYING to see these!!!
The second shots were taken today. I can see a difference in my belly, especially in the side shot. I am still moderately Mortified!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Onderland has finally officially arrived!!!

Hello to all my Skinny Sisters!

Well, I am pleased as punch to announce that it is official....I have  arrived in ONEDERLAND as of this mornings weigh in!!! I lost 1.6# this week and am down to 199.8. Talk about getting there by the skin of your teeth but you know what...Im taking it!!! My goal was to be in the 190s by the end of the year and I did it!! I havent been in the 190s for my goodness...YEARS!! Well over 6 years!!! It feels so darned good too! My sister and I are still doing weight watchers together and she is down 18.5#. My total with them is 13.6# (when I started with them) but I am really down almost 19# since March as that was my highest weighing month ever...218.5!! Yikes!!  I am so proud of her and you can tell she is losing. We decided we need to take photos of ourselves every 10# lost to keep a photo journal as well as measurements. I did do measurements of myself and I do have some before pictures I could use. I am still too embarrassed to post them. I know, I know, just do it, huh?! Eventually I will. I promise. I have lost 4 inches off my waist and 4 inches off my belly and I can feel it.

So as we plunge in 2011, I am entering this year with a feeling of hope and  a feeling of "I believe I can do this" finally!! For years every new years would rolll around and I would be depressed because I was always a few pounds heavier than the year before, but NOT THIS YEAR!!!! This year I weigh less than I have in over 6 years and I am celebrating!!!

My husbands 50th bday is on Saturday. I am throwing him a little party for this monumental occasion and we are going on a 7 day cruise in Feb as the real celebration. I want to be in the 180s by my cruise mid Feb and I want to buy a cute little cocktail dress to wear on dress up night. That is my motivation. I also am going to stop making excuses not to exercise. I belong to a fabulous gym and although my workout partner abandoned me, I am going to have to pull it together & get there 3x a week. I also bought a new DVD kickboxing video with weighted gloves. Cant wait to try  it out! It has 3 levels, beginner, intermediate & advanced so I like that and they are 30 - 45 mins in duration. I dont have the stamina to do an hr yet.

Well, I have to go in to work to help do year end inventory. The surgery center I work for is so behind the times. Nothing is done in the computer....everything is manual!!! So ridiculous!! They make so much more work for us and we waste so much paper doing everything manually. We even have to count the cottonballs!! UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Well girls, have a wonderful day!! I will post tomorrow too to send my new years wishes!!!
p.s I havent cried in 3 days!!!! I think my antidepressant is finally working!!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Tuesday Evening Post!

Hello to all my "Skinny Sisters"!!

Well, I am happy to report that I am feeling sooooo much better today. My tummy is back to normal and I have not cried once today!! This is the first day in about a month that I havent cried and that feels like a victory of sorts for me. Yippee!!

I went to work this morning. I got dressed @ home as usual, went to slip on my favorite Levis and can I just tell you....they feel so comfortable now and are starting to get roomy!!! They were so tight on me for the longest time I wasnt able to wear them, and if I did wear them, I had to wear them with a sweatshirt to conceal my tire that flowed over the waistband, but not today....nosirree!!! I wore a cute little top and those Levis and I felt great in them. No snausage feeling!!! As I have told you all before, I work in a suregery center and we have to wear the provided scrubs for sanitary purposes. So I went to work today, I grabbed my usual scrubs (XL pants & a large top) and I almost couldnt believe it when I put them both on....they are getting really big on me!!! It was the BEST feeling ever!!! I like the roominess now but I think another 10# and I will be reaching for the Large pants & a medium top! Ya know, it really is true what they say....NOTHING FEELS AS GOOD AS THIN FEELS!! Now, by no means am I thin, but you get the jist of what I am saying.

So I am excited to usher in a new year and I cannot wait to watch my transformation in 2011. I am really going to focus on getting me healthy emotionally and physically. I want to look HOT for once in my life and I feel bound and determined that this is gonna be MY year to make it happen!! Oh boy....Look out!!!

Thanks to everyone who made such kind comments while I was going through my hard times this month. I have one more thing that I know is going to happen this month that is going to be sad for me but it is inevitable and I just need to make the phone call & do it. I have been a Sales Director with Mary Kay Cosmetics for 7 yrs. I led my unit to the prestigious $300,000 Circle of achievement in 2006 and we were the #2 Unit in our National Area 2 yrs in a row. Well, the past year, my unit died. I have been trying to resurrect the dead for the past 14 months and I am coming to realize that I am not Jesus and I cannot make them rise from the dead. If we dont meet our production goal of $4,000 this month, I will be forced to resign. As of today, we have a little over $2,000 in and I am not putting the rest in myself without the sales to back it up. It is a heartbreaking decision as I love the company and I love my unit, but I think the time has come when I need to bury the dead and move forward and focus my energy on getting myself healthy again. I am going to have to make that call on Thurs unless a miracle happens between now and then. Say a prayer for me....its not going to be easy to do.

Well, I better get going. Have to pack lunch for tomorrow & get ready for bed.
I love you all so dearly!! Thanks for being my friends!!


Monday, December 27, 2010

Its official...I got the flu!

Well, it was an interesting day yesterday. Woke up feeling hot, my legs ached like I did 100 squats and had a bad stomache ache. Ended up spending the day in the bathroom with the intestinal flu....NOT GOOD! I ended up missing our christmas get together with my family yesterday and spent most of the day in bed. That really bummed me out because I love being with my family but I didnt want to share my bug with them. I was up most of the night with the body aches & tummy rumbling and called my boss last night to give her a heads up that if I didnt feel better by morning that I wouldnt be in for work. The last 3 months have been so difficult on me both emotionally & physically. With the problems with my daughter, my husband,  the death of my friends husband earlier this month and top it all off dealing with depression.... I really cant wait for 2010 to go!
I feel like Eyore the donkey from Winnie the Pooh lately, hes always down & telling a sad tale. I feel like my life has been a constant downer since Oct.  I need a fresh start, a new beginning. because Im just downright exhausted from all of this! Ok, Im done. Thanks for letting me vent. I know that this is all miniscule compared to what others have to endure.

On a weight loss note, I lost 3# and I am officially in Onderland until I start eating again! I was 198.5 as of this morning. Not the best weight loss plan to be on, thats for sure and it will probably find me again once I start eating normally again.

I hope you are all doing good. Thanks for listening and allowing me to vent.


Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happy Sunday after Christmas!

Hello dear ones!

Merry Christmas to you all!!

I am sorry I didnt post the past few days, but you all know...its just busy! I hope you all got wonderful surprises for Christmas this year and that the time spent with family was wonderful! I got a beautiful jewelry armoire, a 30 minute massage gift certificate, my favorite perfume along with the lotion & shower gel and an electric can opener. I have a fit every time I have to open a can because my handheld can opener is a piece of crap, so my hubby bought me an electric one....and it works like a champ!! My husband told me that for Valentines Day, he is buying me a pair of diamond stud earrings when we are in the Caribbean. We will be on a cruise from Feb 12-19th so we are going to our favorite little jeweler in St. Thomas to see what they have. Things are much better on the homefront & my husband has done a 180. He told me that he will never let the opportunity arise again to take me for granted. I thought that was a really sweet thing to say and I see that he really does love me and wants to make it work, so thats a good thing for sure!

Christmas Eve we had my husbands family over for dinner...that only lasted 3 hrs. We only see them once a yr and we are all local. How sad huh? I do see my husbands sister quite a bit as she is his only living sibling but his brothers wife (his brother died 4 yrs ago) & her children could care less about doing anything with us. You can tell that everything is done out of "obligation". It hurts my husbands feelings so bad as his family is dwindling down smaller & smaller as the years pass. Anyways, we spent Christmas eve with our girls just hanging out at home. We watched Elf & let the girls open a couple of their presents. Christmas Day is usually spent with my family but this year, with it falling on a Saturday, my uncle (hes a priest) couldnt come home til Sunday due to masses, so we are celebrating later today. I hope to be joining them but not sure if I will be able to go. I woke up with a bad belly ache & have had a bout of "the runs" all morning. I pray that it is short lived because I was really looking forward to spending time with my family today. We are having homemade spaghetti & meatballs. We decided to do something different this yr. I have to tell you...the thought of eating spaghetti today really turns the ole tummy. Might have to make some brown rice to take for myself if this passes.

So here I sit....thinking to myself, what a month this has been! So much stress & sadness and so many tears I could float down the street on a raft on all those tears. I pray every day that God will make things better for me emotionally and that this sadness will lift soon. I am taking the antidepresssant & I have noticed a little difference but I still have my moments where I willhave a wave of sadness go over me that brings me to tears. It is unexplainable. I feel like the people on the Cymbalta commmercial who are crying....thats me.  My husband feels bad that I am so sad & keeps asking me what he can do, but there is really nothing he can do. Its depression and I need to work through it. Its just gonna take some time. I told him the best thing he can do is to just let me cry it out. Im sure that it is getting old because I cry every day, mostly at night when I have time to think about things. So say a prayer for me that this will lift. I hate this feeling and I want the old me back!!

On a weight loss note, looks like I am pretty close to the 200# mark as of this am. I really want to be in the 190s by the end of the week!! That would be so exciting if that happens and I feel so motivated to see that goal through! For the first time in a really long time, I feel a sense of hope with my weight loss efforts and I really believe that this year, I am going to finally hit my goal weight of 161. Even though the stress diet that I have been on isnt the ideal means, it has given me the push I needed to realize that I can do it!!!

Well, I will wrap this up for now. I think Ice rambled enough.Have a great day and keep in touch!!

Love to all!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thurs morning Post...2 days til Christmas!

Good morning friends!

Well, here we are, 2 days away from Christmas and I am still not in the mood to celebrate. Christmas is my favorite holiday and for some reason this year, I just dont have the christmas spirit. It makes me sad but I think that all the things that have happened in the last 2 months have contributed to my lack of enthusiasm in the holiday. I do feel like my antidepressant is finally kicking in but I still have my days where I just need a good cry to get it out of my system & feel better. Anyways, I am gonna pull it from my toes & try to find that Christmas spirit this year. I am hosting christmas eve dinner for the in laws this year (we all take turns) & I have to cook my ham today as well as do some overhaul cleaning. uggh! I am getting my hair colored & highlighted @ 11:15 today too and I think I am going to also weigh in befire I go to the beauty shop.

On a positive note, my scale says Im down a pound this week which is good since it hasnt been a full week. I have been weighing in on Saturdays now. I will let you know the official number later today. I know that ham is gonna make me retain water & feel all bloated...yuck! My family is celebrating on Sunday & we are having spaghetti this year as something different. I like spaghetti but its not on my top 10 list of fav foods so I know I will have control. I do love a good meatball though! Anyways, I am finding that I am telling myself that the food doesnt have control over me anymore & I believe it and it has made it easier to resist temptation. I rolled out my cutout cookies last night and was able to have just 1. It was very good too and I enjoyed it and I have no guilt or regret about eating it where before I would pop 3 or 4 in my mouth without thinking and then feel bad that I ate them. So I would say that is progress. I also took my waist measurements this am. Waist is now 39 (was 43) and abdomen is now 43 (was 47) so thats a total of 8 inches lost from my belly and I couldnt be happier! My clothes are fitting so much better and I have been wearing my fav Levis alot now. Before I lost this weight, I just couldnt wear them for anything more than an hr becuase the waistband dug into my belly and I had a big ole roll flowing over it. I had to wear it with a sweatshirt too so it would camoflage the roll but now I am able to wear it with a normal top.I feel that in itself is a victory.

 I bought a beautiful cobolt blue sweater with blue sequins for Christmas. I am going to wear it with my black dress slacks that are now getting quite baggy on me but they still look nice and I have some really beautiful silver jewelry to wear with it. Weather depending, I may wear my pretty dress boots with a heel or if we have no snow, might just wear my black patent leather pumps. Will have to wait on that one. So gonna have a fresh new hairdo, got my nails done and feel great in my new christmas outfit. I feel like a million bucks in that sweater for some reason....I think its the color....I look good in bright pinks, blues & purples (although I dont usually buy purple because I feel like a grape in it! lol)

Ok, well I better get a move on it here. I should be cleaning but I dont wanna! Can somebody send a cleaning lady my way please???

Have a great day & keep in touch! Love hearing from you all!


Monday, December 20, 2010

Happy Monday again!

Hello to all my BFC Sisters!

Well, Here it is...Christmas week. I can hardly believe it! Where has the time gone...the year gone?? Why after all this time passing dont I look a day past 25?? (hahahaha! yeah, right! I wish!) As another year is coming to a close, and it makes me melancholy. So many things happened this year, some very good that made me so happy ,and it seems quite a few things happened that I will be glad to put int the past for sure. But one thing I am happy about, I will be ringing the new year in @ a weight I havent seen in 6 yrs!! 6 yrs!! Every new years I have felt so sad because I never hit my weight loss goal for the year. The goal has always been the weigh what I weighed when I got married...161.

So once again, my goal will be to weigh 161 this next year. To get healthier, to exercise more, to be happy with myself. To be proud of every pound I lose and not beat myself up when I have a slip up. To look in the mirror & like what I see but to also love the person staring back at me. I havent been able to do that for a very long time. To forgive myself for the many many attempts I have had at dieting in the past that have failed where I have told myself that I am also a failure. This year, I am going to find ME again!! I feel like I have been lost & wandering aimlessly for so many years....I am going to be 45 yrs old in Sept. Half of my life has passed me by and I am still unhappy & overweight. NO MORE!!!! I am reclaiming my life in 2011!! I am going to do nice things for myself like get my nails done, get a pedicure or massage because I am worth it!! I hope that each of you will join me as we ring in this new year in a couple of weeks with a BIG goal for yourself. I truly believe that this IS FINALLY going to be my year!!!

I have decided to make monthly goals to make the big goal of 161 easier to attain. They say you cant eat an elephant in one bite, but you can eat it piece by piece. So my goal for Dec is to get into the 190's. I dont care if it is 199.5...that is the goal so another 2# by Dec 31st....totally do able! Then my goal for January is to get to 189.5. OMG...I cant tell you the last time I weighed 189.5!! I want to leave for my cruise on Feb 12th @ 185. It may seem lofty to reach for a 16.5# weight loss by Feb 12th, but I am gonna do my best to make it happen!! I want to feel good in my bathing suit. I dont want to wear my size 18W suit...I want to wear my 16...or better yet my size 14 swimsuit. So thats what I am reaching for and I believe that I will do it!!

All of the stress I have had in November & December definitely added to my loss of appetite & rapid loss of about 9# but it was a catalyst to give me the push I needed to get going. It has breathed belief in me again! My husband and I were laying in bed talking last night & I told him these same things I just wrote. I told him that I am going to once & for all lose this weight because it has been a demon I have been fighting all my life.
He has been very supportive and there has been such a change in how he treats me & how he treats the girls. I feel like peace has been restored to my life again....and it is a wonderful feeling to have that back.

Well, look at this post! Geez Louise....sorry its so long but I wanted to share my thoughts. I would love to hear your 2011 goals for yourself. Please be sure to post them in the comments & we will cheer each other on!!!

Have a great evening!! 
Love to all & warm fuzzy ((HUGS))

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Onederland is getting close!!!

Hey girls!!
Omigosh!!! Omigosh!! Omigosh!!! I cant believe it!!! I weighed in this morning and lost of 11.8# and I am 2# away from being in the 190's!!! Official weight was 201.2. I can hardly believe it!! I feel like I have been spinning in neutral for such a long long time and to see these numbers again on the scale is just so thrilling!!! I AM gonna be in ONEDERLAND for Christmas & not New Years like I had hoped.Makes me even more motivated to work harder. Oh...and my measurements are down too!! Waist is 39 1/2 now from 43 and belly is down to 44 from 47. Yippee!! My pants are getting bigger & I love that feeling!!!

All is good here....just trying to get some last minute things done. My daughter (12 yo) wanted to make cookies so I made 3 differnet doughs yesterday & will bake them when I get time. I made Reese cup cookies & didnt have the desire to have one!! Now THAT is an accomplishment for sure. I have to make cutouts and those.....well, those are really a downfall of mine. I am gonna have to make em & freeze immediately. I am having Christmas Eve for the in laws at our house this year so the cookies will be dessert.

My best friend called me today, she is still having a hard time with everything. Please continue to pray for her & her children. This is such a hard time for so many @ Christmas....My heart just breaks for them.

Thanks to everyone who posted comments. It is so good to feel back in the loop again.

Have a great day!
Love to all!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Its Friday!

Hello friends!!

Well, thank goodness its Friday!! I worked all week & I need a day off to recover but so much to do with Christmas a week away! I am feeling better emotionally although I do get weepy in the evening so just trying to get that under control. Taking Wellbutrin 2x day now & it does take the edge off. My youngest daughter told me the other day that the only thing she wanted for Christmas was for me to be in the christmas spirit. Really made me feel bad that this has affected my kids but this depression is beyond my control. I told her I will do my best and that I am taking medicine to help me feel better. My husband has been great through all of this and to be honest,I dont know if I could have got through the death of my friends husband without him.

I have noticed one thing though...the antidepressant has taken my appetite away quite a bit since I have been taking it. I am 3# away from being in the 190's and I am so fricken excited about that!! I know the stress diet that I have been on the past few weeks is not the ideal way to lose but it has given me yhe push I needed to feel hopeful & to work harder to get there. I felt like I was "spinning in neutral"...I would lose & gain the same 3# it seemed but now with the 190s in sight, I am excited to press on & finally do it this year!!! I have not been following BFC for some time now due to all the stress & inability to focus with everything that has happened in the past month. I did go back to Weight Watchers with my sister (who has lost 17# since Sept!) because I wanted to continue to support her & she has been a great inspiration to me as well as a great support person & friend. She definitely has a soggy shoulder from all my tears but she just encourages me that every day will get better & that I can do this. I am going to continue my blog & I hope that you all arent disappointed in me but right now, this is what I feel is best for me to do  right now. Anyways, I feel that no matter what plan we are following, we all have on common goal...weight loss!! Even though we have never met, I feel like you are all such dear friends & I love the support of my online "sisters" and I will continue to cheer each one of you on as you get skinnier & skinnier!

Well, I better get going & get some things done. Have a great day & weekend. My daughter wants to make cookies so that is what we are going to do!

Love to all!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Its Monday

Hello dear ones!!!
Well, It was back to work for me today and another long work week ahead. Thanks to Minichick & Diana for checking in on me. I havent posted much....just not in the mood to be on the computer & feel like I have been nothing but a downer lately. Nobody likes that.

Anyways, not much going on here. Got myself back on track today with my eating so thats a good thing. I think my antidepressant is starting to kick in  cuz I havent cried yet today, another good thing. I made an appt to get my nails done next Tues. My hubby told me that if it makes me feel better than I should go for it so I am excited about that. I used to get my nails done yrs ago and I just loved the way they looked. Yes, not a cheap date by any means but I think it will do me some good to do something nice for myself. I am about 5# away from Onederland. I got n the scale this morning & it said 205.5, up a little as I was down to 203.5, but thats ok. I didnt keep track of a thing last week with the funeral etc,so just gonna get back on the wagon. I know that I am going to be in the 190s by the end of this year and I am going to be in the 180s by the time our cruise rolls around in Feb. Its exciting to have my pants fitting better & I can see & feel a definite difference which is the push I needed to give me hope with my journey. I lost my sneakers so I am gonna have to buy a new pair so I can go to the gym. For the life of me I cant find them!!!

I hope you are all doing well. I miss reading all the blogs & am gonna try to catch up on all of your progress this week. Thanks again to everyone for your loving words & concern. You are all the best!!!!

Have a wonderful day!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Good morning!
Well, you just wont believe this..... I can hardly believe it myself. My best friend called me yesterday morning @ 730am as I was getting ready to walk out the door for work. She was crying. What she told me was something I never in a million yrs would ever expected to hear....and it rocked my world to the core of my being!!! She told me that her husband of almost 20 yrs committed suicide. He hung himself in their basement. She found him, had to cut him down with the help of their 16 yr old daughter & did CPR on him until paramedics came, but she knew he was already gone . He was an educated man, a good man....just distraught by financial woes & overwhelmed by family problems that they were going through. No note was left. Now my best friend is left a distraught widow with major financial issues as well as some chronic health problems that she has been dealing wtih for many years & 5 children as well as herself who are wondering why this happened & how they will pick up the pieces. He was only 49.

I ask for your prayers for her and her children. Her name is Laura. She and I have been best friends since our first day of nursing school. She is like a sister to me....we are truly "sisters by heart". We were each others maid of honors in our weddings.  I was there for 12 hrs yesterday & am headed back there in a couple of hrs. to do whatever I can do. Right now I am trying to process this & decompress from the unbelievable sadness I am feeling for my best friend.I am at a loss of what to say. It is beyond me how & why this has happened. He wasnt the type of person to do something so irrational. He loved Laurie....he loved his kids. What was he thinking? Now they are left with a lifetime of sadness, guilt & a huge void that will never be filled. My heart is shattered for them.

I am sorry for yet another sad post.....but unfortunately this is my life lately. I saw my Dr today & he started me on an antidepressant. My husband has been absolutely wonderful & such a tragic situation has made me realize how precious, short & fragile that life is....and I am appreciating him more than ever and all of my blessings. My friend keeps asking for her husband to come back...I wish I had a magic wand to bring him back.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Just breathe.....

Good morning to my wonderful BFC girlfriends!!
I feel badly that I havent posted anything re: the BFC in a while. Im sorry my emotional baggage has gotten in the way here, but it feel cathartic to wrire about his and I am going out today to buy a journal so that I can write down my feelings as I deal with the immense healing that needs to happen in the future.
Every time I read your posts, they continue to bring tears to my eyes & make me realize that I am not alone & that I am so blessed to have you all in my circle. Things are calm here on the homefront but there is an emptiness in my heart that I just cant understand. Hes really trying hard & its nice to see the girls happy....but Im still not feeling happy inside. I feel such a HUGE void & while I believe I still love him, I am not sure if it will ever be the same. While I was in church this morning I could hardly concentrate on what the priest had to say. I am going to give the marriage counseling a good "go" but I just dont know what will transpire. Perhaps the years of abuse have taken their toll? I dont know. I truly think I need to get on the antidepressant asap to help with the ups & downs. My emotions are so labile throughout the day...I can look in the mirror or be driving and all of a sudden...BOOM...I am sobbing!!! The only way I can describe it is feeling "hollow" & just such an immense void. It is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am looking forward to seeing my counselor on Wed. She makes me feel so much better when I talk to her. I am also desperately trying to dig seep into my faith to help me through this. I was crying yesterday afternoon when nobody was home & was feeling quite despondent. I kept asking God to take the hurt away & I felt compelled to reach for the Bible for his response to me. I used to do that yrs ago...when I wanted God to speak to me, I would just close my eyes, flip through the pages & wherever my eyes landed was what I felt he wanted me to hear. Yesterday, was no different. when I opened the book this is what I read.

 I opened it to Isaiah, Chapter 43...Promises of Redeption & Restoration.

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by name and you are mine.
When you pass through the water, I will be with you: in the rivers you shall not drown.
When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned: the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your savior.
Because you are precious in my eyes and glorious and because I love you.
Fear not, for I am with you."

This passage was exactly what I needed to hear!! I am Catholic & feel that I have been a woman of faith all my life. My parents raised us to be good people & to rely on your faith always. I remember in 2000 our parish had a "Mission". they had a priest come in from Cleveland who conducted the mission & it was amazing!It was filled with many different facets of spirituality such as love, healing, forgiveness etc. There is a song called "You are mine" and they played it on one of the nights of the mission and I can remember telling God that anytime he wanted to get my attention, when I heard that song I would know that he is speaking to me personally. Every time I hear the song, it brings tears to my eyes because it has such a powerful meaning in my life. The words taken from this passage are the words in the song "you are mine". Coincidence? I think not.  I know that God is going to help me through this difficult time. I know that I am "in the palm of his hand".I am  holding on tight to my faith.....and my friends.

Well...I better go be productive. Thanks so much for listening.
Love you all!!!
p.s Special thanks to Lisa for your touching life experience that you shared in your last post. ((HUG)) You truly are a strong woman!!! I know that I am too. I just have to find myself again.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

For my "peeps!"

Thanks girls for all your wonderful supportive posts. Your kind words bring tears to my eyes & it is so good to know that I have you all to sound off to. Even though I have never met any of you in person, I truly feel like I know you all by heart! You are all such a blessing to me!!!THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!!

I came home this morning to find a vase of roses on the kitchen counter for me. 3 red roses with some babys breath. It was lovely. He came up to me, handed them to me, gave me a hug & kiss & said that he was very sorry. I beleive that he is and I do believe that he wants to change & make this work.We have communicated better in the last 24 hrs than we have in years. I am still feeling sad & kind of weepy but am gonna go see my Dr next week for a little "happy pill" to take the edge off. I really think I need it. My sisters took me out this morning for breakfast & I have eaten pretty much just toast for the past week & I ate a ham & cheese omelette & some hash browns & all I can say is...I am paying for it with upset tummy & diarrhea now. Oh boy!!! Sorry if it is TMI. I think it was just way too much at one time, but I was hungry. Went to bed last night with my stomach growling so I was famished this am!!

Anyways, hope you are all doing great. Just trying to pull myself together. Im so tired!!!!

Love you all!!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Update..."Come to Jesus" moment!

Hello dear ones!

Well, I cried all the way home from work tonite and when hubby walked in the door, he saw me & asked what was wrong. I told him that his behavior is tearing me and our family apart & if he isnt willing to get help, that I am going to leave. I told him that his decision is the "breaking point" & that I am ready to hire an attorney for a divorce. We had a heart to heart and discussed things civilly & have decided to get some marraige counseling and he has agreed to attend anger management. We talked with the girls tonite & told them that our home is going to be more peaceful and that we are going to work hard to heal our marriage.

So we shall see how this transpires. I beleive that he does want to change and  that perhaps there may be hope. My marriage has been broken for the past few yrs & we arent going to be singing kumbaya & making smores anytime soon.....but I do believe that progress has been made.

I am exhausted emotionally & physically. Going to lay in bed for a while now & just chill out. Thanks to eveyone for being my friends & listening.

Love ~

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thank you!

Hey girls!
My apologies for being off topic here...I know I am supposed to be blogging about my BFC life but it seems my life feels like it is falling apart @ the seams lately & I am desperately trying to keep it all together....not doing a very good job @ it though.

Well, as I said in my comments on my last post in Blah blah blah, I am facing some huge emotional issues here @ home & some big decisions to make as to whether to stay or to go. My husband has anger issues that he refuses to acknowlege & although he has never physically hurt me or my children, the emotional scars are deep wounds. He refuses to get counseling and I know that after 17 yrs, I cannot change him, especially if he doesnt want to change. He yells ALOT!!! Most of the time...its over stupid stuff. The other night, he was yelling because my dtr had the phone, I went to turn the heat up cuz I was cold & he yelled @ me. He yelled from the time he got home from work...cant even tell you what else he was yelling about...its always dumb things that upset him. Anyways, I was laying in bed cuz I was cold & still not feeling good & starting crying. Decided that I just needed to get away & was gonna drive to my parents house & sleep overnite there to think & clear my head. My youngest dtr say my packed bag & asked me where I was going. I told her I was gonna sleep over Nanas & he overheard it, came out to the kitchen & yelled asking me why? I said I am tired of the yelling & I needed to clear my head. He then proceeded to yell, telling me that he is going to move out & he will give me the peace that I have been looking for. as usual, I start saying "no, you stay & I'll go" . He grabs his coat & out the door he goes. I continue to tell him to stay & he leaves. Once again, I am left to feel like the bad guy. He has a way of manipulatling us & twisting every situation to look like its our fault....because its NEVER his fault. I texted him to come home so we could talk. He called me & said "what do you want?!" I said "come home & we can talk". He did & I could barely muster the enrgy to speak. I told him that I am tired of the yelling & that he needs to get help for his anger issues. (I have been telling him this for yrs.) He refuses to go to counseling & refuses to get help for his anger.  We are constantly on guard to watch what we say as little things can piss him off easily. I find myself saying to my girls things like "now dont do this...or dont do that cuz you dont want to get him mad". The saddest part of this whole situation....this has gone on for many years. It has been the "norm" & I have justified his behavior for a very long time!! I went to see a counselor yesterday & I told her my story &  after 15 minutes she said to me "why do you stay"? & I said "for security". She then said to me "you are emotionally battered & need to get out" This is not a healthy relationship for you and your girls & it is destroying you". I felt like I got hit by a 2x4 to the head when she said that! She said to me "why are you apologizing for his behavior?" I thought "OMG...I do that all the time & dont even realize I am doing it". There was so much more said, way too much to tell here.....but I am trying my best to figure this out & plan my next steps. She recommended getting legal advice as well as some abuse counseling. I will also see her again next week. I can have 6 sessions for free with her & she is really a great counselor. She makes me feel good & is heping me to see clarity. The one thing that he does is that after HE gets angry he usually tries to lay a guilt trip on us & then will "punish" us by ignoring us or giving us the cold shoulder. I remember one time my daughter (14 yr old) made him mad about something re: to her softball....I think it was practincing or something dumb like that.....anyways, he didnt talk to her for DAYS because he was so angry @ her. There are so many other instances....oh my many!!! Like last yr, for my birthday I suggested we go take a day trip to go shopping & then go to lunch for my bday & he told me " I would rather gouge my eyes out with spoons then spend the day shopping". Nice huh? That made me cry & to this day still cuts me like a knife!! Then 2 weeks later, I needed a D&C because I was hemorrhaging to death & I called him from the Drs office & told him that because I had eaten, I had to have my surgery the following day (Sat) & that I would need a ride to the hospital & his first response was " You are gonna have to figure something out because I have games to officiate that day". I called my mother sobbing. She said she would take me. I cried, and cried & cried that day. Came home to find him sitting in the chair. My mother had called him & in her kind way Im sure, told him what she thought. He called & cancelled his plans & said he was going to take me to  the hospital but I didnt want him there. I can keep going on & on...but I wont. I have ignored this for far too long & I know that I need to take action but it is almost paralyzing to think about it. I never wanted a divorce! I live in a nice house....I have  a good job. Im educated...this kind of thing doesnt happen to people like me? but as I am does. (sigh) I just cant believe it.

So here I sit, scared....feeling broken & not believing that this is happening to me. She told me that these things happen to nice, educated people. She told me Im not crazy, not making a mountain out of a mole hill & that this is NOT how someone who loves you treats you. I am emotionally exhausted!!! I dont want my kids to be screwed up but unfortunately they are already victims of this abuse because this is the norm of their life. He doesnt see anything wrong with his behavior & ALWAYS turns it around to make me feel like it is MY fault & not his. That is so hard to deal with because after a while, you believe it & then I find myself apologizing to him. It happens every time.

I am losing weight rapidly....I am down 7# since this past Sat (down to 203.5 as of today)& I cant help it. Food doesnt taste good & I am nauseated all the time. I get this way when I am upset or my "nerves" act up & I know it isnt the way to lose weight but I honestly cant control it. I just feel sick!!! I have wonderful friends & family who support me & I am grateful for that. My sisters & girlfriends have been telling me for the past few yrs that I am crazy for staying. I havent said anything to my parents...I think it would devastate them although deep down, I think they too know the truth. I am afraid to be on my own & living the rest of my life alone. I want to be happy again...I want my joy back. I want to be loved. But its not all about me...I have daughters involved who I worry may think this is acceptable for a man to treat them this way. How have I allowed this to happen?? I am so embarrassed, so sad, so scared!! Please please pray for me to find the strength & courage & wisdom to make the right decisions I know we are all cyber girlfriends but I am thankful for each one of you!!! You are great listeners!!! Sorry this was such a long post.

Love to you all!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

a whole lot of blah blah blah....

Good morning! Sorry I have been off the radar lately....lots going on here @ home.... Overwhelming sadness over some marital & life issues & just trying to cope & figure out how to work through them or if I want to. Please pray for me for peace & guidance & clarity in my next steps.

I am down to the lowest weight I have seen on the scale in 6 yrs!!! Scale said this morning I am 204.5!!!! I had to get on twice to see if it was true. Anyways, really not hungry at all lately & it is an effort to eat. I know, how crazy is that?!!! I have not been following BFC since Sat....nothing sounds good to me and I am just eating to silence the rumbles.

Please know that I havent forgotten my friends....just trying to work through some things here.

Love & Hugs