Good morning to my wonderful BFC girlfriends!!
I feel badly that I havent posted anything re: the BFC in a while. Im sorry my emotional baggage has gotten in the way here, but it feel cathartic to wrire about his and I am going out today to buy a journal so that I can write down my feelings as I deal with the immense healing that needs to happen in the future.
Every time I read your posts, they continue to bring tears to my eyes & make me realize that I am not alone & that I am so blessed to have you all in my circle. Things are calm here on the homefront but there is an emptiness in my heart that I just cant understand. Hes really trying hard & its nice to see the girls happy....but Im still not feeling happy inside. I feel such a HUGE void & while I believe I still love him, I am not sure if it will ever be the same. While I was in church this morning I could hardly concentrate on what the priest had to say. I am going to give the marriage counseling a good "go" but I just dont know what will transpire. Perhaps the years of abuse have taken their toll? I dont know. I truly think I need to get on the antidepressant asap to help with the ups & downs. My emotions are so labile throughout the day...I can look in the mirror or be driving and all of a sudden...BOOM...I am sobbing!!! The only way I can describe it is feeling "hollow" & just such an immense void. It is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I am looking forward to seeing my counselor on Wed. She makes me feel so much better when I talk to her. I am also desperately trying to dig seep into my faith to help me through this. I was crying yesterday afternoon when nobody was home & was feeling quite despondent. I kept asking God to take the hurt away & I felt compelled to reach for the Bible for his response to me. I used to do that yrs ago...when I wanted God to speak to me, I would just close my eyes, flip through the pages & wherever my eyes landed was what I felt he wanted me to hear. Yesterday, was no different. when I opened the book this is what I read.
I opened it to Isaiah, Chapter 43...Promises of Redeption & Restoration.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you: I have called you by name and you are mine.
When you pass through the water, I will be with you: in the rivers you shall not drown.
When you walk through fire, you shall not be burned: the flames will not consume you.
For I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your savior.
Because you are precious in my eyes and glorious and because I love you.
Fear not, for I am with you."
This passage was exactly what I needed to hear!! I am Catholic & feel that I have been a woman of faith all my life. My parents raised us to be good people & to rely on your faith always. I remember in 2000 our parish had a "Mission". they had a priest come in from Cleveland who conducted the mission & it was amazing!It was filled with many different facets of spirituality such as love, healing, forgiveness etc. There is a song called "You are mine" and they played it on one of the nights of the mission and I can remember telling God that anytime he wanted to get my attention, when I heard that song I would know that he is speaking to me personally. Every time I hear the song, it brings tears to my eyes because it has such a powerful meaning in my life. The words taken from this passage are the words in the song "you are mine". Coincidence? I think not. I know that God is going to help me through this difficult time. I know that I am "in the palm of his hand".I am holding on tight to my faith.....and my friends.
Well...I better go be productive. Thanks so much for listening.
Love you all!!!
p.s Special thanks to Lisa for your touching life experience that you shared in your last post. ((HUG)) You truly are a strong woman!!! I know that I am too. I just have to find myself again.