My apologies for being off topic here...I know I am supposed to be blogging about my BFC life but it seems my life feels like it is falling apart @ the seams lately & I am desperately trying to keep it all together....not doing a very good job @ it though.
Well, as I said in my comments on my last post in Blah blah blah, I am facing some huge emotional issues here @ home & some big decisions to make as to whether to stay or to go. My husband has anger issues that he refuses to acknowlege & although he has never physically hurt me or my children, the emotional scars are deep wounds. He refuses to get counseling and I know that after 17 yrs, I cannot change him, especially if he doesnt want to change. He yells ALOT!!! Most of the time...its over stupid stuff. The other night, he was yelling because my dtr had the phone, I went to turn the heat up cuz I was cold & he yelled @ me. He yelled from the time he got home from work...cant even tell you what else he was yelling about...its always dumb things that upset him. Anyways, I was laying in bed cuz I was cold & still not feeling good & starting crying. Decided that I just needed to get away & was gonna drive to my parents house & sleep overnite there to think & clear my head. My youngest dtr say my packed bag & asked me where I was going. I told her I was gonna sleep over Nanas & he overheard it, came out to the kitchen & yelled asking me why? I said I am tired of the yelling & I needed to clear my head. He then proceeded to yell, telling me that he is going to move out & he will give me the peace that I have been looking for. as usual, I start saying "no, you stay & I'll go" . He grabs his coat & out the door he goes. I continue to tell him to stay & he leaves. Once again, I am left to feel like the bad guy. He has a way of manipulatling us & twisting every situation to look like its our fault....because its NEVER his fault. I texted him to come home so we could talk. He called me & said "what do you want?!" I said "come home & we can talk". He did & I could barely muster the enrgy to speak. I told him that I am tired of the yelling & that he needs to get help for his anger issues. (I have been telling him this for yrs.) He refuses to go to counseling & refuses to get help for his anger. We are constantly on guard to watch what we say as little things can piss him off easily. I find myself saying to my girls things like "now dont do this...or dont do that cuz you dont want to get him mad". The saddest part of this whole situation....this has gone on for many years. It has been the "norm" & I have justified his behavior for a very long time!! I went to see a counselor yesterday & I told her my story & after 15 minutes she said to me "why do you stay"? & I said "for security". She then said to me "you are emotionally battered & need to get out" This is not a healthy relationship for you and your girls & it is destroying you". I felt like I got hit by a 2x4 to the head when she said that! She said to me "why are you apologizing for his behavior?" I thought "OMG...I do that all the time & dont even realize I am doing it". There was so much more said, way too much to tell here.....but I am trying my best to figure this out & plan my next steps. She recommended getting legal advice as well as some abuse counseling. I will also see her again next week. I can have 6 sessions for free with her & she is really a great counselor. She makes me feel good & is heping me to see clarity. The one thing that he does is that after HE gets angry he usually tries to lay a guilt trip on us & then will "punish" us by ignoring us or giving us the cold shoulder. I remember one time my daughter (14 yr old) made him mad about something re: to her softball....I think it was practincing or something dumb like that.....anyways, he didnt talk to her for DAYS because he was so angry @ her. There are so many other instances....oh my goodness....so many!!! Like last yr, for my birthday I suggested we go take a day trip to go shopping & then go to lunch for my bday & he told me " I would rather gouge my eyes out with spoons then spend the day shopping". Nice huh? That made me cry & to this day still cuts me like a knife!! Then 2 weeks later, I needed a D&C because I was hemorrhaging to death & I called him from the Drs office & told him that because I had eaten, I had to have my surgery the following day (Sat) & that I would need a ride to the hospital & his first response was " You are gonna have to figure something out because I have games to officiate that day". I called my mother sobbing. She said she would take me. I cried, and cried & cried that day. Came home to find him sitting in the chair. My mother had called him & in her kind way Im sure, told him what she thought. He called & cancelled his plans & said he was going to take me to the hospital but I didnt want him there. I can keep going on & on...but I wont. I have ignored this for far too long & I know that I need to take action but it is almost paralyzing to think about it. I never wanted a divorce! I live in a nice house....I have a good job. Im educated...this kind of thing doesnt happen to people like me? but as I am seeing...it does. (sigh) I just cant believe it.
So here I sit, scared....feeling broken & not believing that this is happening to me. She told me that these things happen to nice, educated people. She told me Im not crazy, not making a mountain out of a mole hill & that this is NOT how someone who loves you treats you. I am emotionally exhausted!!! I dont want my kids to be screwed up but unfortunately they are already victims of this abuse because this is the norm of their life. He doesnt see anything wrong with his behavior & ALWAYS turns it around to make me feel like it is MY fault & not his. That is so hard to deal with because after a while, you believe it & then I find myself apologizing to him. It happens every time.
I am losing weight rapidly....I am down 7# since this past Sat (down to 203.5 as of today)& I cant help it. Food doesnt taste good & I am nauseated all the time. I get this way when I am upset or my "nerves" act up & I know it isnt the way to lose weight but I honestly cant control it. I just feel sick!!! I have wonderful friends & family who support me & I am grateful for that. My sisters & girlfriends have been telling me for the past few yrs that I am crazy for staying. I havent said anything to my parents...I think it would devastate them although deep down, I think they too know the truth. I am afraid to be on my own & living the rest of my life alone. I want to be happy again...I want my joy back. I want to be loved. But its not all about me...I have daughters involved who I worry may think this is acceptable for a man to treat them this way. How have I allowed this to happen?? I am so embarrassed, so sad, so scared!! Please please pray for me to find the strength & courage & wisdom to make the right decisions I know we are all cyber girlfriends but I am thankful for each one of you!!! You are great listeners!!! Sorry this was such a long post.
Love to you all!!!